Every time I hear the word artificial, I am taken back to my health class in 8th grade. For some reason, we were trying to guess what the “D” stood for in Mr. D. Stangby’s name.
Everybody was taking turns guessing. The usual came out of most people’s mouths: David, Donald, the name Dick even got a few snickers from some of us. Remember - we were in 8th grade. I had a new word and I was proud to use it. I didn’t quite know what it meant, but one of my friends had called somebody by that name, and I thought it was funny. So, I said, quite loudly...
DILDO!!!!!!
Not quite half of the people in the room even knew what that meant. My friend who had introduced me to the word turned around and her eyes were huge. She obviously knew what it meant (she had older brothers and sisters, and no, it wasn't Melody). Mr. DAN (not Dildo) Stangby, stopped in his tracks. He looked at me and asked me to repeat what I had said. For somebody as loud and as obnoxious as I was (am), I muttered under my breath:
DILDO.
He sent me to the library to look up the word in the dictionary. I was shocked and appalled that was what those things were called! And to think, I had just called my teacher a dildo! And can we even talk about the fact that they weren't really used for your face and neck muscles?
When I got back to class, he made me stand up in front of the class (remember, I had stage fright), and tell everybody what it was:
DILDO: An artificial substitute for a penis. DILDO.
I had to say “penis” in front of my 14 year old peers. It may not be a big deal to kids now, but I was mortified. Of course, saying dildo was probably worse than having to say penis, in hindsight. In fact, that probably was a turning point in my life and having stage fright.
I am sure they had a huge laugh about THAT in the teacher’s lounge that day! And it is really, really funny. Now, at least.
I don’t know much else I can say, except to leave you with this joke:
Q. What do soybeans and dildoes have in common?
A. They are both artificial meat substitutes.
A. They are both artificial meat substitutes.
Thank you very much. I’ll be here all week. The 9:30 show is completely different than the 7:30 show. Try the veal. Don’t forget to tip your waitress. I’m outta here.
Check this out if you want to know what Margerie's daughter thinks a TENDU is.
3 comments:
OMG! That was SO FRICKEN FUNNY!
I am still Mr. Dildo still chuckles about that day in class! I can just picture you standing up there with a little piece of paper reading the definition. At least you didn't bring a dildo to class thinking it was a "slender personal massager."
Ha! I forgot about that story--so no, I didn't have that in mind when I wrote the word down. I have no idea WHAT I had in mind, but it wasn't that.
"Artificial" and "hip" today--what a pair we are.
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