Good news.

Remember the skinny bitch at the gym? She's now up to 108. 

And my weight is down from the last time. 

Big karma sandwich. She is going to gain everything I lose. 

Then let's see if she's so proud to leave her weight up on the scale. 

Wordless Wednesday - UNDERWATER!

Blue Jays Are Stalking Me

Several weeks ago, I noticed an agressive blue jay hanging out in my back yard. I just thought that blue jays were always like that and didn't think too much about it. Until my husband said, "Have you noticed the bird's nest in the tree out back?" 

AHA! That makes sense. It also makes sense that there are two of them! Apparently, they mate for life. (I don't know this for sure, I'm just making conversation.) 

About 10 days ago, I came home and went into the office. Several minutes later, I heard a pretty loud commotion. Cat on the counter? Dog on the counter? Dog chasing cat onto the counter? I went into the dining room where I expected to find the guilty animals on the counter in the brownie pan. What I did not expect to find was one of the bluejays in my house, trying to get out the dining room window, and the other bluejay, obviously in distress, outside the window, squawking loudly to his mate,  "Get the hell outta there!" 

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that my cat grabbed the bird and brought it into the house. I can assure you that is not the case. My 14 year old cat is so lazy (how lazy is she?), that if a bird flies into my neighbors plate glass window and drops to the ground, she will go out and pick it up and bring it to me. She has no interest in eating birds, mice or any other type of rodents. This is obvious if you read the Wocket In My Pocket is Different Than A Mouse In My House post a few months ago. And the other cat is no longer with us, so it wouldn't be her. 

The only things I can think of are: 

• A) they were trying to rob me when I was gone, 
  
• B) they were having a bird party in my house and were in the process of raiding the refrigerator when I came home, and only one of them escaped, or 
  
• C) it followed me inside, because I did notice that I left the door open. 
  

In any case, there is now a bird in the house - freaking out, a cat on the counter (eyeing the brownie pan because I am paying no attention to her) and a dog thinking that I got her a new play toy. 

Luckily, my hubby came home right then. I was in charge of distracting the other animals (the outside bird from the inside bird, the cat from the brownies, and the dog from the bird). We got a sheet and finally caught the poor distraught bird and let her out, but this was quite a process. So was cleaning up the bird shit all over my house. 

Ever since then, I have BOTH bluejays outside whatever window I am looking out of squawking at me. If you have ever heard a bluejay, they are very noisy. If I am in the kitchen, at least one of them is outside staring at me. If I am in the dining room, they are both out there, looking at me from the place where the male was screeching at his mate to get out of there. They have recently discovered what room I sleep in, and they sit outside of it at 6 am, squawking at me. 

I had decided that they were either thanking me, or plotting revenge. (Yes, I read too many horror books.) 

Then I worried that some other bird or predator had stolen the egg(s) out of their nest and they were protesting. 

Yesterday, I heard the baby bird in the nest and saw the mama bird bringing food to it. I let out a sigh of relief, as I do not want these damn bluejays terrorizing me for eons, simply because they think that I took the egg/baby bird. 

This morning, at 6 am, I woke up because not only was the blue jay outside my bedroom window staring at me, but it was on the screen! This is starting to get ridiculous. I was up until after midnight finishing a fabulous scary book (Heart Shaped Box by Joe Hill). I did NOT want to get up at 6am. 

Then I thought that maybe the birds are now my pets and they love me and wanted to tell me that their egg has hatched and they have a baby. I didn't think it was cute. I'm tired. 

As I was sitting here at my desk working, here comes one of the bluejays, outside my window, being incredibly loud and staring at me through the window. 

Then I figured it out. It isn't all about me. Can you see the problem here? 

Wherever I am, the cat is. The birds are screaming at the cat, not me. And now I have 3 bluejays who will probably be waking me up for the rest of my life, because I have been protecting them from the elements (aka animals). And because my cat is wherever I am. And she could care less about the damn birds. In fact, they are interrupting her sleep, as well. 

Maybe I do need to stop reading horror stories. 

UNDONE. Home of Buttons-N-Dollars.

Happy Memorial Day weekend!

I, along with 5 other fabulous women, have been selected to be spokesmodel for a very special winery that is donating money to cutting edge breast cancer research. The release of our wines are not until October, so you will have to hang onto your horses to find out more about that. Our media person has threatened us to not “spill the beans”.

What I wanted to tell you about was one of the amazing women I met while in Palm Springs doing our photo shoot.

Her name is Heidi Marble. I'm on the left, she is on the right. Heidi is an 8 year survivor of Inflammatory Breast Cancer. Heidi is making a beautiful difference in the world: she has written a book called Waiting for Wings, is working on a documentary titled Waiting for Wings The Film, and her artwork is spectacular and what I want to talk about today (pictured below).

Her company, Button-N-Dollars, is a non-profit that is focused towards helping uninsured and underinsured cancer patients.

She takes jewelry donated by cancer patients and their families and friends and puts them on broken “useless” mannequins. When I asked Heidi about this, she replied that when she was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer, she felt broken; after her battle, she emerged more beautiful than ever. Now she does amazing things with her donated mannequins. They start out broken, and she turns them into something spectacular. Her artwork is available for purchase or rent.







Heidi told me that she is running out of buttons and jewelry and bobbles!!!!!

THIS IS A CALL TO ACTION!

It’s time to dig out that old broken costume jewelry (or stuff that you don't wear anymore), or those buttons that you are hanging onto for no reason. How about your favorite earring that lost the match years ago but you can’t let go? If you are a crafty person and have a large supply, considering sharing them with Buttons-N-Dollars.

Clear out the clutter in your jewelry and arts & crafts drawers and boxes and send the stuff to Heidi! If you have friends who have "collections", please share this with them. Let's see how much stuff we can send to Buttons-N-Dollars.  

Buttons-N-Dollars is a non-profit 501-c3 organization, and all donations are tax deductible (including jewelry).

To make a difference in the lives of many underprivileged women, send costume jewelry, buttons and bobbles for Heidi's artwork. Just tell her that Hayley made you do it!

Shipping Address:

Heidi Marble

Buttons-N-Dollars

25017 NE 188th Court

Battle Ground, WA 98604

Wordless Wednesday -CHAIRS!!!!!

The best letter. Ever.

Dear Hayley, 

I am pleased to let you know that your recent breast MRI performed on 5-13/08 showed no evidence of cancer. 

Sincerely, 

Your favorite radiologist

Talking in code...

Ancay ouyay alktay igpay atinlay?

Iay alwaysay avehay eenbay ableay otay, anday Ian uessgay eway ancay alkchay itay upat otay ehistoricpray extingtay. 

Iay inkthay Iay illway 0ntinuecay otay eakspay ikelay isthay orfay ethay estray ofay ethay aday. 

Avehay aay oddgay eekendway! 

Ovelay,

    Ayleyhay

Wordless Wednesday -CARROTS!!!!!

PANIC BUY CARROTS!!!!! May 15th @ 2pm!

The day you have all been waiting for is finally here!!!

May 15th at 2pm, you simply must go to your local friendly grocery store and panic buy carrots. Why? Well, why not? 

It started as a drunken conversation between friends. The facebook group has grown to over a million people. They’ve received national news. And they have nothing better to do with their time. My kind of people!

I signed up for the group the second I read about it. Which also, strangely enough, happened to be just a few days after I took this picture in the central valley of California.

I am going to research carrot recipes so that I have something to do with the carrots, once I panic buy them. I wonder if I will be the only one in SLO doing it, or if there are other crazy people in this town. I hope there are others, cuz I can only buy so many.

Do you have any great recipes that call for carrots? The only one that comes to mind is the recipe from the Bugs Bunny cartoon about hasenpfeffer. I don’t recommend googling it, unless you want to be grossed out, like I am right now.

In any case, put 2 pm this Thursday, May 15 on your calendar!

If people in the store ask why you are doing it? Simply reply that the cabbage told you to.

I'ts just annoying.

I've joined the gym again. I didn't want to talk about it until I knew it was working. Apparently, you have to actually go to the gym to get results, not just pay them money. It's only taken me 41 years to get it. 

I've been good and have been working hard - 3-5 classes a week, and sometimes even on the weekends. Have dropped a few pounds, but havealso  managed to drop a size and a few inches.

I do end up weighing myself when I go there though.

And you know what is annoying? The person who weighed themselves before you leaves THEIR weight on the machine. The last little skinny bitch that did it this morning weighed 106.

If I catch her, I'm gonna let her have it. I'm pretty sure I can take her. After all, I outweigh her by quite a lot. The only chance she has is if she can run faster than me. 

More Cocktail Capers

...once again it's that time! Work-a-day demands forgotten, a gay, gregarious group gathers for moments of frivolity...for tinkling toasts, chic stories...smart music.

Bacon Bits

I was digging through my filing cabinet and ran across my "UNPROFESSIONAL" file. This file is now big enough to almost fill a bankers box now. I think I even still have the first fax I ever received (um, 1987?). I'm so glad I kept it all. It's damn good blog fodder.

Haven't you always wondered where bacon bits come from? Wonder no more!

Wordless Wednesday - LADYBUG

ImPROG - Children is the word of the day

Funny. My improg word of the day is CHILDREN. Funny, I say, because I don’t even really like children. Alright, not true. They taste like chicken. Baked, boiled, fried or barbecued, them are some tasty vittles.

Sure, I had dolls growing up. I also had trucks. I liked pink party dresses. I also liked my jeans and to be barefoot. I liked to have my hair curled. I hated taking a shower.

But I honestly can’t remember a time when I wanted kids. When I told people this, they were shocked. They were amazed. Some people felt sorry for me. Others looked at me incredulously, as if I would change my mind.

I practiced birth control religiously from day one.

I went through most of the ob-gyn’s in my town looking for somebody who would tie my tubes. They all said the same thing: “You’re too young. You will change your mind. “

Guess what? I didn’t and they lost a patient. Even people who knew me well thought I might change my mind.

One of the most annoying questions after I got married was, “So, when are you going to have children?” I got so fed up with the question that I finally would tell people, “I can’t.” That usually shut them up and stopped them in their tracks. Very few people are brave enough to ask questions about that.

Then when the cancer came, my oncologist wanted me to have my ovaries taken out, to decrease the risk of ovarian cancer. Well, it’s about time a doctor agreed with me! Now I don’t have to worry at all about birth control. The hot flashes? Well, that is an entirely different story (one we will save for later).

I don’t really dislike children. In fact, I have some favorites and I am a great “Auntie Hayley”. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my niece and nephew, and a few select friends children. They make me laugh. They make me cry. They make me tired, and I take my hats off to those of you who do have children!

Don’t worry. Your children are safe with me. I won’t cook them.

I just happen to be childless by choice.

When I was in my 20’s there was an Ann Landers column that I found and I have carried it around with me for, well, almost 20 years. I’d like to share it with you now, in the hopes that it brings a smile to your face! Feel free to share it with others that have mentioned they might not want kids. Believe it or not - not everybody does!

Ann Landers' famous "The Childless Couple"

There is nothing sadder than a childless couple. It breaks my heart to see them relaxing around swimming pools in Florida, sitting all suntanned and miserable on the decks of their boats -- trotting off to Europe like lonesome fools. It's an empty life. Nothing but money to spend, more time to enjoy and a whole lot less to worry about.

The poor childless couple are so wrapped up in themselves, you have to feel sorry for them. They don't fight over the child's discipline, don't blame each other for the child's most obnoxious characteristics, and they miss all the fun of doing without for the child's sake. They just go along, doing whatever they want, buying what they want and liking each other. It's a pretty pathetic picture.

Everyone should have children. No one should be allowed to escape the wonderful experience that accompanies each stage in the development of the young -- the happy memories of sleepless nights, coughing spells, tantrums, diaper rash, debts, "dipso" baby sitters, saturated mattresses, emergencies and never-ending crises.

How dismal is the peaceful home without the constant childish problems that make a well-rounded life and an early breakdown; the tender, thoughtful discussions when the report card reveals the progeny to be one step below a moron; the end-of-the-day reunions with all the joyful happenings recited like well-placed blows to the temples.

Children are worth it. Every moment of anxiety, every sacrifice, every complete collapse pays off as a fine, sturdy adolescent is reached. The feeling of reward the first time you took the boy hunting -- he didn't mean to shoot you, the lad was excited. Remember how he cried? How sorry he was? And how much better you felt after the blood transfusion? These are the times a man with a growing son treasures -- memories that are captured forever in the heart and the limp.

Think back to the night of romantic adventure when your budding daughter eloped with the village idiot. What childless couple ever shared in the stark realism of that drama? Aren't you a better man for having lived richly, fully, acquiring that tic in your left eye? Could a woman without children touch the strength and heroism of your wife as she tried to fling herself out of the bedroom window?

The childless couple live in a vacuum. They fill their lonely days with golf, vacation trips, dinner dates, civic affairs, tranquility, leisure and entertainment. There is a terrifying emptiness without children, but the childless couple are too comfortable to know it.

You just have to look at them to see what the years have done: He looks boyish, unlined and rested; she's slim, well-groomed and youthful. It isn't natural. If they had had kids, they'd look like the rest of us -- worn out, wrinkled and exhausted.

WATCH OUT FOR COCONUTS!!!!!

Apparently this coconut thing is an epidemic. I find it comical that in the last 2 days, I have been told twice that more people die from coconuts than die from shark attacks. One person from Avila Beach mentioned it on Wednesday, and then Susan from Vancouver told me about it today. The two people who said it have never met, nor do they even know anything about each other.

This is going to be useful when I go on vacation. As I head out to go scuba diving, the usual friends will wonder aloud about me being worried about sharks and being in the water with them. This is usually said as they are sitting on the beach. Underneath a coconut tree. Here is a picture of me, doing the universal "Holy shit, there's a shark" underwater signal. I'm still here to talk about it. 


So, to keep yourself safe, I think you should adopt these guidelines:

• Do not walk directly underneath a coconut tree. 
• Do not sit under a coconut tree. 
• If you hear a rustling sound coming from the top of a coconut tree, RUN. 
• If you see somebody in a grocery store hoisting a coconut above their head, RUN. 
• If you see a shark, throw a coconut at him.  

IMPROG - Work is the word of the day

My improg word of the day is WORK.

Hmmm...Is somebody trying to tell me something?

I feel like I work all the time. I have so many different irons in the fire that it seems like I never get any real work done. I have different sets of people that know me from different walks of life. If you ask each of them what I do for work, below are some of the answers you might get:

• Real Estate Broker and business owner
• Aspiring author (that means a writer that isn’t published)
• Interior decorator (not licensed)
• Fundraiser for breast cancer research
• Party planner
• Spokesmodel for a wine company
• Volunteer at Hearst Cancer Resource Center
• Blogger
• President of young cancer survivors group
• Writer/actress for a stage production
• Nothing

And truth be told? They are all true. Every single one of them. Here is the only problem: I don’t get paid for all of them, but I work equally hard at all of them.

I had a grand realization over the past few weeks. I am spreading myself too thin. I am dedicating myself to projects that aren’t doing anything for me except for making me crazy. That isn’t to say they aren’t all worthwhile. It just means that I need to focus on what I really want to do, not what everybody else wants me to do.

Susan emailed me a lecture last week (a very nice lecture, but a lecture all the same). She made some really good points, as only a friend who knows me very well can do. The sentence she wrote that I keep going back to???

...you don’t have to be involved in a big way in each thing you do…

Touche. She is right, of course. 100%. I always think if a little is good, more is better. It’s the “ic” or “ism” part of my personality. I need to focus, focus, focus.

For those of you who are wondering? Never did hear from those "other" people. At least I can cross that one off my list.

I know what I want - even if it is just some convoluted idea in my head. Or at least I am able to see parts of it. Don’t be surprised if I change my focus drastically. And meanwhile, as I trudge the road to happy destiny, I will keep on path.

photo by Susan